Kat Stark - Yelling in Pasties

Kat Stark - Yelling in Pasties

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Twenty years into her marriage, Kat and her husband faced head-on the great underlying fear of most monogamous people: My partner wants to have sex with other people. For them, that truth led to a rollercoaster of new sexual and romantic adventures...

Unexpected Jealousy

01 Dec 2015 | by Kat Stark | Blog

I think of myself as not a jealous person because I feel such intense compersion when Flick is connecting with, or fucking someone else. Being at Desire Resort taught me about a few jealous triggers that still get me. Curse you, green-eyed monster! I was so smug that I'd beaten you. Turns out you don't go down without a real fight.

When Flick is fucking or interacting sexually with a new partner, I'm so on board. Makes me incredibly hot to watch it. I have in fact orgasmed lying next to him as he's entered someone else. But when Flick is lost to kissing or touching a new partner in a more casual setting--smooching someone else in line in the buffet or while we were all dancing--I was really surprised to feel hurt rather than wet.

That quiet intimacy was so much more painful than sexual intimacy somehow. And it's weird because I want him to feel connected and intimate with his partners. Maybe I just don't want to see it outside the bedroom.

The other time I really feel jealous is when partners I have extremely limited time with are paying attention to other people. And of course they are when you're all on a crazy tropical swinger vacation. We're all there to have a bunch of great experiences with many people. It's just difficult to not feel that the other person is the preferred person, and that your partner maybe isn't that into you, no matter how much evidence you have to the contrary.

It's just easy to fall into the trap of worrying his affection for me might be displaced by his feelings for someone else. I always have such a powerful jealous reaction to women I think are cooler than me, or have a lot of my good qualities without all the crippling anxiety. Kat 2.0 as it were. And although it's possible for his feelings to change in an instant, it's also pretty silly when I connected well with others on the trip, and in no way did it change how I felt about him. It is also kind of insulting to him that I view his feelings as so changeable. And how selfish to want to deny someone else the pleasure of his attention.

Monogamous thinking tells us that if something is shared, it is no longer valuable. The only true relationship or love is shared between two people, and if there is even a single blip of emotion or sexual connection for another, that relationship was a failure, a lie or never 'real'. I don't believe that to be true at all, yet when someone I really like is smitten with another, I doubt our relationship, and wonder if it isn't real.

Blargh. Feelings are stupid.

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