c-PTSD and the Fawn response aka Why I can't just fucking get over it
I’ve really beaten myself up over the past few years for being drawn toward a dysfunctional relationship where I was constantly working to prove my worth, but also having to be hyper-vigilant not to overstep and come across needy and put pressure on my former partner. Even nearly 2 years after our breakup I’ve had to work incredibly hard not to slip back into those behaviours and small things can trigger a strong response in me where I want to seek his attention and approval.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just move on the way my rational brain had? Why does my emotional brain constantly slip back into the patterns of trying to please and desperately seeking approval?
Turns out, it’s not that I wasn’t trying hard enough, but the shit I dealt with through my childhood rewired my brain to slip into a safety response known as the Fawn response.
Much less talked about than the others (especially the first two), there's a fourth part of the Fight/Flight/Freeze response that is the Fawn response. Instead of fighting, fleeing, or freezing, those who fawn (whom I’m going to refer to as fawns from here on out) will placate the source of their distress with being agreeable and helpful, relinquishing assertiveness and boundaries in exchange for a sense of safety.
Very common in those who have experienced abuse and trauma, and often referred to as co-dependent, fawns tend to let go of being able to express their needs, and often lose any sense of what those needs might be in favour of preventing attracting the anger or retaliation of their abuser(s).
These patterns become wired into the brain and are incredibly difficult to rewrite even when they move beyond the situations that carved those grooves. Since fawns have learned these feelings to be their normal, they tend to be drawn toward those who exhibit similar behaviours as their early abuser(s) (even if the behaviours themselves aren't inherently abusive) and end up in dysfunctional relationships that echo their early experiences.
Becoming distrustful of people and relationships that don't include a need for fawning behaviour, they're unable to easily choose partners who are open and appreciative of them because they're suspicious of the end game of someone who is overtly loving and non-demanding. Warmth and appreciation is met with distrust as the fawn waits for the carpet to get pulled out from under them. The cold, demanding partner appears safer because they're a known quantity.
That's not to say that everyone a fawn is attracted to is an abuser but they are almost invariably someone with an Avoidant attachment style who the fawner will have to work hard to please. This avoidant attachment style is another common response to trauma so avoidant partners are often working within the boundaries of their own brain wiring and in a fun mix, someone who fawns in one situation may well be avoidant in others.
I am one of the people with a strong fawn response. I was taught early and repeatedly in youngest childhood by 'friends' that my only value lay in doing/saying/being who they wanted me to do/say/be. When I didn’t follow the rules, and even worse, if I tried to stand up to them, I was punished with social isolation not just from my ‘friends’ but from my entire class and often the neighbourhood kids as well. I went through weeks at a time as a pariah for not doing what was expected of me and that trauma fucked me up!
Humans are such social beings and part of the ability to survive is being embraced by the group. Exile or banishment often meant death in the earliest days of humans so the requirement to be included and accepted is deeply wired into our psyche. Being exiled by 'friends' and classmates for not following their 'rules' was too harsh a payment to suffer on an ongoing basis so I learned to not just do what they wanted but do even extra to prove my worth.
And people always say small towns are such great places to raise kids…
As much as it is such a frustrating piece of my relationship experience, learning about the Fawn response has been a relief because it means it’s not just me not doing enough to get over myself. The fawn in me wants to try harder to get over it but that isn’t the answer. Accepting that my brain is wired this way and I need to work with it rather than fighting against is a healthier and frankly more effective approach. It’s still a work in progress but I’m making progress, while trying as hard as I can to not be who I am wasn’t getting me anywhere.
So yes, I can still be sent into a spiral when I see social media posts from my ex where they’re giving others what they wouldn’t give me. I can find myself unreasonably sad that I feel exiled from their life and heart. But it’s not about reason, it’s about wiring, and if I need to try hard at something, I’m going to try hard to be kind to that scared kid inside me and accept myself as I am.
If you want to know more about the fawn response and Complex PTSD (c-PTSD) there’s an excellent book by Pete Walker called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
